Freedom is Not Free - The Lost Lockdown Diaries

My random thoughts and musings from 2020, a time when the world lost its head and I finally found mine. Apologies in advance for any lack of cohesion or a sequential timeline, but that is the last apology I shall make as I believe Bob Ross put it best when he said...

“You can do anything you want to, this is your world”.

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There is always an opposite to everything in life; every down has an up, and every decision has its good and bad points. Freedom is the same. I remember standing in Washington and looking at the war memorial, where emblazoned in marble was the slogan ‘Freedom is not free.’ It was a statement that not only eloquently conveyed the terrible loss of life such freedom often costs but it also deeply resonated when thinking about my life.

Korean War Veterans Memorial by Louis Nelson

I have stated before that, on the surface, I had a perfect life and apparent total freedom, but neither of these things was true. For it is not possible to have it all, and I truly paid for the things I had; the currency was my independence and personal autonomy.

Possibly I am being naïve, but I long for the day when I have a key to my own front door and open the cupboards to see the food I have paid for. I am not ungrateful for all that I was given, in no way at all, but always depending on someone else, justifying how the money you are given is spent eventually makes you feel very small and alters the dynamic of any relationship. It also feels like one of those scams you sign up for where the cost seems very small for a big gain. It isn’t until you are in over your head that you realize you have been tricked and there is no way out of the agreement, only in my case there was no small print to read.

Holocaust Memorial Miami by Kenneth Treister

Maybe I feel the need to explain myself, why I am doing what I am doing, or maybe I need to explain it to myself as I am sure there will moments ahead where I will wake in the night and question if I have lost my mind. Freedom is liberating, but equally terrifying. There is a reason Stockholm syndrome is a thing.

But I have prepped myself for these doubts as I know they have no real foundation and it’s just a small part of my brain that is scared at taking such a massive plunge into the unknown. Also, I know I am going to be judged; it’s par for the course. Part of me doesn’t give a shit, but part of me knows it will also hurt when it comes from those closest to me.

If I am honest with myself, this feeling began way back, years . In some ways, I have always had a sense all along that I would one day have to make a choice between myself and my relationship. There has always been a small voice in the back of my mind telling me not to forget who I am, now why would I ever have such a voice? Maybe it was because I knew deep down if I wasn’t careful, I would lose myself, and maybe there have been times I actually did. I think he always knew that I had this voice too, I could tell from the way he questioned me about certain things, his reactions to things I did. It was as if he knew that if I remembered who I was, I would take off one day and fly away. Oh how that has come to be so painfully true.

LY - September 2020